TwentyFirst Century Woman
by Once Upon a Femmeslash
Summary: Fluffy, kinda crack-y oneshot. Helena isn't sure how some things work in the 21st century.


This started reasonable and turned into a total crack fic. Don't hate me if it makes little sense.

* * *

"Myka? May I speak to you for a moment?"  
Myka looked up, startled out of her reading by a gentle knock on the door frame. "Yeah, sure." She glanced at the page number, then closed her book and set it on the bedside table. She sat up a little and patted the bed next to her. "Come on in."  
H.G. strode over to the bed. "If it's the same to you, I'd rather stand," she said with uncharacteristic shyness. She watched as the sheets bunched a little against her knee as she squirmed, not quite meeting Myka's curious gaze.  
Myka moved to sit criss-cross on the bed, facing her guest directly. "What's up?" Her curiosity was piqued as she watched a light blush develop on Helena's cheeks.  
Helena opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. "You know what, never mind. I- I'm going to go. Sorry for interrupting you."  
Myka was definitely confused. She managed to grab H.G.'s wrist before she made her escape.  
"Not so fast. Usually you're smoother than Casanova, now you're a shy schoolgirl. What's going on?"  
H.G. took a breath. "It's not something one is generally comfortable discussing, but things have changed quite a bit in the last hundred years and I was hoping you could provide me with some advice."  
This was the woman who had come out to the team as if she were discussing the weather. Myka still couldn't fathom what could fluster H.G. Wells so. "Shoot."  
"Myka, how does the twenty-first century woman deal with..." she tried and failed to come up with a euphemism that would transcend the ages. "...menstruation?"  
Part of Myka contemplated how the patriarchy within Victorian culture that taught women that a natural part of their body was terribly taboo was so ingrained that H.G. Wells had trouble bringing it up. "Is that all?" Myka teased. "From the look on your face you'd think you blew up my ferret or something." Her gentle smile coaxed a smile from the woman standing awkwardly beside her bed.  
Myka gestured for Helena to follow her to the B&B's bathroom, where she rummaged in a cabinet before pulling out two boxes.  
"Okay, there are two options. This one is probably the one to start out with." H.G. looked perplexedly at the box Myka handed her, covered in things such as "medium flow" "extra long" "new super-grip wings!"  
"Those are referred to as pads. They're disposable well, pads, that attach to your underwear. Those are the ones I use, but you can experiment with different brands and stuff. There are lots of different varieties."  
H.G. nodded, studying the small print.  
Myka picked up the other box. "These are tampons. They, um, you insert them." Myka felt a blush creeping upon her. "There's a little applicator and then to take them out there's a string. And you have to make sure to change them every few hours or you could get toxic shock syndrome."  
H.G. set down the pads to look at the tampons. "So women walk around with small sponges inside them? I must say that doesn't sound terribly comfortable."  
"It is more inconspicuous though, and they're supposed to be better for physical activity. I think those are Claudia's, so I'd ask her before using many of them."  
"Thank you for your advice. It seems a trip to the pharmacy is in order."  
"Oh, and if you have bad cramps and stuff I can show you some medication."  
Helena smiled warmly to Myka. "Thank you."  
"No problem. If we're ever in the field and you need a pad or anything, just ask. I usually have a spare." Myka returned the smile, and their gaze met and held for a bit longer than necessary.  
At that moment Pete appeared in the doorway to interrupt their smile-fest. "What are you ladies doing in there? Whatever it is, can it move? I've been playing this game with Claudia where we take a drink of rootbeer every time this lady cop and this medical examiner chick on one of those shows Claudia watches act like they're totally married, and I reeeeeally have to pee." Myka rolled her eyes as he did a little dance for emphasis.

* * *

"Thank you for the ride, but if you need to go anywhere I can walk back to Leena's."  
Myka looked up from where she was scanning a shelf in Univille's pharmacy. "I've been thinking about taking multivitamins, so I might as well grab them. Maybe when we're finished here we can swing by Kelly's if you don't mind. Pete is getting low on food."  
"Of course." H.G. turned back to the display of "feminine products", frowning at the wide variety as she mulled over which to try. Out of the corner of her eye she watched as Myka stooped to grab something off the lowest shelf.  
Myka turned as she heard as teasing laugh. "Are those vitamins or sweets?"  
She hugged the jar of Flinstones Gummies to herself. "They're nutritious and they're also yummy." She opened the jar and popped one in her mouth with a cheeky grin.  
Chuckling, H.G. grabbed a random package from the shelf and headed towards the checkout, Myka following behind her.  
Helena stopped short when Myka placed a hand on her shoulder and gestured towards the family planning aisle. "There are a few other things I should probably clue you into."  
Myka gave a brief history of the development of safe contraceptives as they headed over.  
"The Catholic Church never does seem to be 'with the times'. They still haven't recognized that the universe is heliocentric." Helena laughed.  
"Actually, that happened in the nineties."  
"Really?"  
"Anyway, there are two main kinds of oral birth control. The more effective one is taken daily, and can also be used to treat ovarian problems and premenstrual syndrome. The other is usually called "Plan B" or "The Morning After Pill", and it can be used in emergencies but it isn't as effective. There are also different sponges and caps and implants and things, but you can Google that later if you're interested."  
Helena's eyebrows knit. "Google?"  
"It's a website to look things up on the internet. I'm surprised Claudia hasn't shown you yet."  
"She's been a bit busy pestering me about whether I knew Sherlock Holmes or Casanova or Jack the Ripper. She did sit me down to watch all eight Harry Potter movies though, which was quite interesting. She said it was part of being British these days, and that Doctor Who was next."  
Myka smiled and shook her head. "Glad she's covering the important stuff."  
H.G. glanced around the aisle. "Condoms? Those I'm familiar with, though I can't I remember them looking much like that."  
Myka grabbed a pack of Trojans. "Why don't we get some so we can practice on bananas? Just like eighth grade Sex Ed."  
Helena's eyes were roaming. Her eyebrow arched when she skimmed over the lubricants, and they rose in wonder when she reached rows of cardboard boxes.  
"Pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, in a box? How is that possible?"  
Myka rubbed the back of her neck. "Basically you pee on the stick and it reads your pheromones or something."  
"Fascinating."

* * *

Still laughing at the cashier's face as Helena's curiosity drove them to purchase three pregnancy tests, an ovulation test, two interesting little bottles of lube, and several different kinds of condoms including those of the glow-in-the-dark and flavored varieties, they entered the B&B.  
Myka set the bag on the table. "If you'd take your pads upstairs I'll grab the bananas," she called to H.G. as she walked off into the kitchen.  
A few minutes later Myka grew bright red as she heard Pete and Claudia barreling down the stairs from where they'd been camping in front of the TV in his room.  
"I cannot believe you finished off all the root beer!"  
"How was I supposed to know it was the last bottle? Besides, maybe Leena has some orange juice we can use."  
"Not the same, bro. Not the same."  
Claudia came to a screeching halt when she came across H.G. and Myka, and Pete almost ran into her. She surveyed the table full of bananas, condoms, lube, and pregnancy tests, then noticed how Myka's face was beet red as she averted her gaze, yet Helena was looking at her with a welcoming smile.  
"I don't know what the heck is going on here, but it looks like a party. Count me in!"

Half an hour later Artie walked into ruckus in the B&B. Claudia was holding an inflated red glow-in-the-dark condom and chasing Pete, who wielded a green "lightsaber". Leena was sitting at the table trying to twist inflated condoms into balloon animals. Myka, condom hanging from her mouth, was helping H.G. record observations for something that looked vaguely scientific. Artie also noted with disgust that there were several plastic tests sitting on paper towels on the table.  
"What is the meaning of this, children? Do i need to hire you all a babysitter?"  
Motion stilled as five guilty faces looked back at him.  
Artie set his bag down and advanced into the room. "First of all, what in God's name have you got in your mouth?"  
Myka blushed as Artie pulled it out of her mouth, got a look at it, and dropped it in disgust. "It tastes like Twizzlers."  
Claudia piped up "The grape ones aren't too great, though."  
Artie rounded on her. "And you too! put those away before you break something! Do you really want to write 'smashed by an inflated rubber' on an incident report?" Claudia used one of her pins to pop Pete's saber, causing him to jump as she smirked.  
Artie turned to Leena, who was trying to covertly hide her pile of snakes, worms, and swords. "You! You were supposed to be the adult in this group, keep these infants in line!"  
Leena looked to H.G. "You do realize Agent Wells is a hundred years older than me?"  
"AND YOU!" he roared. "What are you doing? We eat on this table!"  
Helena remained calm as she explained her findings. "This is a comparison of the viscosity of two different brands of lubrication, but I believe that's not what's got you upset. According to these Pete is pregnant, the orange juice is not, Pete the Ferret is ovulating, and the results are still out on..." she picked up one of the plastic tests and read the display. "Ah! Miss Donovan is not pregnant."  
Claudia gave Artie a double thumbs up, a condom on one of her thumbs. Artie watched in disbelieve as she stuck it in her mouth, then pulled it out and gave him another thumbs up. "Green apple!"  
Artie threw his hands in the air as he and left the room. "Children! I'm working with children!"  
The room was awkwardly silent for a moment until Myka broke out in giggles, followed by laughter and smiles from the rest of the group. Helena was still gazing affectionately at her curly-headed lab partner when Pete suddenly pointed at Claudia with an "Ooh!"  
"You know what we haven't done? Water balloons!"


End file.
